Fauci Warns of New Severe Senioritis Variant (Satire)


Thomas Meyer, Section Editor


An outbreak of the common Senioritis virus was discovered on campus in September. This is well ahead of Senioritis season (Spring), as predicted by experts. This is completely unprecedented; doctors warn that this variant is both more serious and more contagious. 


The first recorded case of Senioritis dates back to 387 BC where a student of Plato in the original Academy in Athens contracted this virus. Ever since then, this virus has been commonly found in high schools across the globe. Even the best of students with the strongest immune systems can and have been infected. 


The main vector of transmission is unknown. Strangely, this virus mainly affects those in the 12th grade. Teachers and underclassmen are seemingly immune. A recent study found that upwards of 80% of seniors experience some symptoms sometime during their last year in high school. 


Normally, the first cases are identified in the Spring and peak season is shortly before graduation. However, many at Athens Academy have already been infected.


Several seniors infected with this virus spoke on the condition of anonymity. “I’m just so done with school,” one said. He tested positive that very same day. “I find myself frantically doing homework before class,” another admitted, “I can’t wait to graduate.”


Many experts are calling for class to be canceled for two weeks to slow the spread. Others reject this saying this will only increase the severity of this virus in those already infected.



  1. Laziness/lack of studying
  2. Unusual, repeated dress code infractions
  3. Unusual amount of repeated tardiness and absences
  4. Scrambling to do homework/study the period before
  5. General lack of effort/general fatigue
  6. Dismissive attitude
  7. Even more procrastination than normal


Serious cases in students have been known to have fatal effects which include failing classes, commiting honor offenses and skipping class altogether. 


Steps for Prevention/Treatment

For mild symptoms, scientists suggest channeling motivation from freshman year. It is important to finish the year strong. A recent study reported that a severe drop in grades in the second semester of senior year was a leading reason for colleges to rescind offers of admission to seniors. Consequently, the devastating gravity of losing acceptance to college needn’t be understated. 


While a recent medical study showed the only true cure for this disease is graduation, I maintain that through willpower and determination, this virus can be overcome. We still have work to do and championships to chase. Keep the finish in sight and keep working. Enjoy the last months of school at Athens Academy. We will make it to May 21, 2023. 


If you begin exhibiting any symptoms, see a doctor or medical professional immediately. This is a serious problem, stay strong and God bless.